Archived Messages 2004

January – December 2004
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Date: 06 Jan 2004
Time: 17:16:48

Comments
something could include, hoovering, or going outside the house.its a small battle but i have been there.i admit in honesty i have an alcohol drinking , thing, but at this point it wont help you or me.my mind is so messed up ,it keeps me sane.but a drunk soldier is a bad soldier.because the discipline disappears.  I still have discipline, but i don’t want anymore suffering, just because we were trained, to be highly aggressive, does not excuse our behaviour TOWARDS loved ones.read this boards guestbook before you comment.this comment will stand its time in history.please, if your loved ones think you have changed…..GET HELP..i wasn’t told and i was 5 years in……..civvy street.that’s a lot of hard work to you.yes, civvy street is a backstabbing, I’m alright jack society.but they weren’t spoilt with 3 course meals or being paid to stay healthy.they have had to fight tooth and nail for everything they have.  civvys, are on a different planet.granted.but ,we must overcome and……ADAPT,. if you still need help……..well, your letting the lads down, if we hurt the people we love. love to all from Craig.

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Date: 07 Jan 2004
Time: 00:51:04

Comments
I appreciate the effort that you have put forth in education people like me about this problem. I am a former U.S. Marine, that served with an infantry unit in Iraq. I am now dealing with PTSD, and would like to thank you for all of your hard work. I have begun taking the steps to fix things thanks to information I received from your site.
Thank you, Cpl. Shafer K CO 3rd BAT 5th Marines, 1st Marine Division shafer0311usmc@aol.com

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Date: 19 Jan 2004
Time: 10:04:35

Comments
i served in northern Ireland 4 tours and also in the first gulf war i had problems with nightmares after coming home i was always on a short fuse so to speak got very angry at little things i then got married still am 3 children i have to tell that i get very emotional at the sight of war on television it brings back so many memories for me mostly of the gulf i keep photos that i have to look at now and again i want to tell myself that iam not suffering from PTSD but it cannot be right to feel all these feelings that i have i have a good job and have worked ever since leaving the army? whats the answer?

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Date: 20 Jan 2004
Time: 15:22:01

Comments
Andy
Your website was the answer to all my underlying questions. It has also made me see that I AM NOT MAD. Just a normal person that through circumstances beyond my control whilst as an ex soldier and now a serving police officer has brought on the PTSD. You too, are an Angel in disguise. May God bless and keep you and may his light shine brightly amongst us all. Love and Light Sue

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Date: 30 Jan 2004
Time: 19:48:06

Comments
Why is it even though you lay your soul bare to doctors tell them it all they still don’t listen, they just hand out antidepressants like they are sweeties ? pills that have side affects that make things worse in many cases, seen so many doc’s got nowhere now just gave up ! sod it i am just wondering whats the point of going on, can bear work but have to do it or get slung out on the street, wife and kids to think about, so many places on my case for various reasons…AHHHH !!!! war pension helps but how can i get on in life if some one switched the light out at the end of the tunnel to save electricity, seems what ever i try just goes wrong and comes back and hits me smack in the face, cant you just tell I’m a tiny bit p****D off. TB

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Date: 31 Jan 2004
Time: 19:13:51

Comments
we’ve got each other RIGHT.left right.left.so, someone turned the lights out, well we are all light to each other.get a grip don’t work, neither does civvy street after what some or most of us have seen.men, we are keeping our chins up OK.so here’s my email.rules.? denim39@hotmail.com I’m here, as always.

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Date: 02 Feb 2004
Time: 13:01:53

Comments
Thanks for the site Andy, after serving for a lot of years, (paras&sas) i realise my wife and children have been through their own hell with me over the last 14 years, nightmares,depression,all of that. But the biggest thing for me was being convinced no-one else would understand how i felt, or how sorry i was for the things i did.my biggest thing was a guilt that i was good at what i did and began to like the feeling it gave you, after all” your never more alive than when someones trying to kill you!!!!!!!”. A Quote from my old padre, who’d have thought eh. At last i have been receiving treatment and have begun to tell my wife some of the things i did, and guess what? no gasps of horror, no hating me for it, just love and a lot of understanding. I know now how lucky i am to have her and my two sons so my message to anyone else is this, DONT KEEP IT INSIDE, DONT STOP TALKING. You may be surprised at the reaction you get, i was. Sorry to ramble on guys but believe me their is light at the end of the tunnel, I’m not there yet but I’m not walking on my own anymore either. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS TO YOU ALL. RICHARD. (Falklands, NI,ETC)

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Date: 03 Feb 2004
Time: 20:55:07

Comments
This is an absolute must read for anyone with severe depression be it ex military or civilian. Thanks for putting this information on the web. Regards ex RN

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Date: 13 Feb 2004
Time: 02:26:10

Comments
Hi – just to say I broke down at work after 20 years of putting up with nightmares, anxiety and flashbacks and dealing with other peoples traumas. I can’t function, have put my family through hell and am about to be kicked out. I felt so alone, turned to drink, don’t sleep and am numb. Spent nights wishing I had the guts to end it all. I’ve now started treatment – drugs are useless and make you feel shit – but other stuff helps. It’s good to feel I’m not alone anymore. CH

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Date: 21 Feb 2004
Time: 20:34:47

Comments
left the navy in ’82 after serving dow “south” went back in in ’85 after being offered the opportunity to “prospect” for the angels they were looking for someone to join the “dirty few”, then 2 other people offered me the chance to join A.L.F. as they were looking for someone to do their dirty work, it was either back in the mob or end up very dead or in prison. What persona am I was I giving out. Came out of the mob and eventually got into the police force ended up with a reputation for being aggressive and always arguing with the gaffers, went sick for 6 month’s after threatening to slot my sarge co’s he was giving me shit. After a year’s councelling and getting myself somewhere near fit I left before I did some one some harm. I am now self employed because I am not fit or could not take being told what to do. We spend so much money hurting each other when will we learn to help each other. What’s it all mean at the end of the day sweet fanny adams. take it easy all. Spud.

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Date: 25 Feb 2004

Time: 13:08:32

Comments
Hi, my name is Henk and I live in South Africa. During the previous dispensation a lot of “inhumane tasks” were carried out by members of the South African Police. Since then everyone has moved on, with no consideration of members “left behind” I suffer from PTSD, but it is not a “recognised” illness in my line of work. Managers usually “wake up” after a suicide attempt or family murder!!! By then it is too late!! My greatest respect to all of you out there fighting this “invisible” enemy. God’s speed.

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Date: 25 Feb 2004
Time: 13:12:34

Comments
Hi, my name is Henk and I live in South Africa. During the previous dispensation a lot of “inhumane tasks” were carried out by members of the South African Police. Since then everyone has moved on, with no consideration of members “left behind” I suffer from PTSD, but it is not a “recognised” illness in my line of work. Managers usually “wake up” after a suicide attempt or family murder!!! By then it is too late!! My greatest respect to all of you out there fighting this “invisible” enemy. God’s speed.

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Date: 08 Mar 2004
Time: 09:10:26

Comments
I’m a northern Ireland veteran my wife has had enough of ptsd she has had to put up with my mood swings anger and everything for 22 years why wont anyone help us why cant my wife get support why does my country not give a toss about veterans and their family’s iv tried combat stress but came away worse than i was before i went to the home iv tried to put this disorder behind me but cant i feel I’m loosing my family without the support of my wife and children iv nothing to live for i cant face this disorder on my own my family are my life

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Date: 10 Mar 2004
Time: 09:25:22

Comments
The Aftermath of war coping with ptsd too.
This is a safe place for all the women that love a wounded veteran suffering from ptsd. We come together in the aftermath of war to share information, support and friendship. May you find peace through understanding. May you never again feel as if you are all alone. Site also includes claims help, and information for veterans to read. (membership is for the ladies only, but you can go to the visitors page and share your input about combat ptsd too) http://groups.msn.com/AftermathofwarcopingwithPTSDtoo

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Date: 17 Mar 2004
Time: 00:25:57

Comments
you said
I’m a northern Ireland veteran my wife has had enough of ptsd she has had to put up with my mood swings anger and everything for 22 years why wont anyone help us why cant my wife get support why does my country not give a toss about veterans and their family’s iv tried combat stress but came away worse than i was before i went to the home iv tried to put this disorder behind me but cant i feel I’m loosing my family without the support of my wife and children iv nothing to live for i cant face this disorder on my own my family are my life
i do not feel that you can ever put what you have been through behind you,but i do feel that given time one might be able to handle it better
you say you have been to combat stress,of course i do not know how many times you have been there but if its just the once i would say give it another chance
after all no one can cure all that you have been through over the years nor can we know your feelings that run in your head all to often people see the uniform but forget the person inside
so this is why i say i think it would be good to go back to combat stress if possible as hard as it might be and open up were possible and have chance to take stock of what you have gone through
after all you deserve better don`t you

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Date: 20 Mar 2004
Time: 17:31:31

Comments
Dear Andy Good to see your website and the detailed information it contains for people who suffer with PTSD. As a campaigner for more awareness of this disorder and it’s proper recognition by the Government and NHS.I and others like my self who work with people suffering from PTSD are gladden to see we are eventually getting someway there at last. Keep it up and those you are also working with. Chris Howells Post Traumatic Stress Suffers Steering Group Newport South Wales

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Date: 21 Mar 2004
Time: 21:57:52

Comments
I cannot believe that I have found such a wonderful web site.I have been battling for years now for justice for my 43 year old ex R.A.O.C. son who was thrown in front of oncoming traffic when he was a pillion passenger in 1992.He had 15 operations and has one leg shorter than the other now.He was awarded £120,000 ( he had already received £ 44,000 in interim payments over the 10 years that the case took to come to court )We were told that he would not get another penny because it had all been taken up in legal fees and court costs.Under the “clawback” system the government have now demanded the repayment of the £44,000 and a further £18,000 of Bob’s own money so in effect he is out of pocket although he was a totally innocent passenger.He is now having to sell his lovely house to repay the money.He and his wife are registered disabled and they have two young sons.Please can anyone help us.My husband and I are retired and we just don’t know what to do.

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Date: 28 Mar 2004
Time: 11:40:50

Comments
well done 10 out of 10. I have had loads of problems and never been able to find info on them – most of the way i feel is in here. I’m an ex-squaddie of 25 years service – NI, Gulf etc cheers

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Date: 03 Apr 2004
Time: 03:05:43

Comments
watched my CO kill a man. Even approached CO along with 8 others in company, in attempt to persuade him to change his orders, and to show him many of us knew what he was doing. No charges were ever brought. I was nearly court-martialed for talking about it to other commanders and I.G. After nearly 30 years I am in regular contact with several former platoon memebers/witnesses.

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Date: 03 Apr 2004
Time: 23:10:52

Comments
today is 04/04/2004 and I am 44 years old clapped out ex-matelot . then was –/02/1977 I was 17 years old why was I in NI with a SMG . now I’m a disabled / arrogant / control freak / alcoholic in a ‘civvy gutter’.

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Date: 15 Apr 2004
Time: 22:14:12

Comments
brilliant web site. served 4 yrs 4 yrs turned me into a monster.they say they want men but the men they destroy.your just a number paid to put your finger on the trigger.be aggressive lads and what did they do. put me in colchester for 6 months.back to the battalion. then Ireland.how much more could they f**k your brains up. never forget the word they said to me (once a squaddie always a squaddie) they made sure of that! but i am determined that they wont have the right in what they said. I’m a husband a father a man. but not a squaddie. thank you!

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Date: 15 Apr 2004
Time: 22:18:26

Comments
brilliant web site. served 4 yrs 4 yrs turned me into a monster.they say they want men but the men they destroy.your just a number paid to put your finger on the trigger.be aggressive lads and what did they do. put me in colchester for 6 months.back to the battalion. then Ireland.how much more could they f**k your brains up. never forget the word they said to me (once a squaddie always a squaddie) they made sure of that! but i am determined that they wont have the right in what they said. im a husband a father a man. but not a squaddie. thank you!

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Date: 19 Apr 2004
Time: 08:56:49

Comments
I have just heard on radio Scotland that Hollybush House in Ayr could close due to the need for a £1,000,000 to build new accommodation, if this closes it will be a disaster for many many people in Scotland, why don’t the NHS refer people to them and cover the cost of treatment for their referrals so helping to fund the running of Hollybush House

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Date: 20 Apr 2004
Time: 11:25:05

Comments
I served….difficult choice of word…. served – my emotions – I hope you understand? By implication to serve implies subservience, a willingness to do the bidding of others. But then isn’t that what we did and many still do? I find it strange that you may teach a dog to be subservient – but if you mistreat, it you will be punished. I joined the British army as a boy in 1962 at the age of 15: it was ‘something to do.’ In 1965 four weeks after my 18th birthday I was patrolling the streets of Crater city, Aden…that was fun. In 1969 the endless tours of ‘the troubles’ began – the fun stopped. I began drinking, it seemed to do the job. It at least made life more palatable? I sought refuge in marriage – wife daughter – blew it. I managed a secondment here and there middle east predominantly – I think with hindsight to keep out of the way for a while. In 1984, whilst on secondment, I remarried. I left the army in 1987, after 25 years and some days….An emotional time bomb, I ticked off from your list. I get a pension I have a diagnosis – PTSD……The thing I want most of all is a life….Where the fuck is it? If I had been a dog someone would be punished!

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Date: 26 Apr 2004
Time: 21:01:39

Comments
Thanks Andy, for this website, I haven’t cried like this since I was a child. I am a Vietnam era vet, an ex-marine, and a victim of child sexual abuse. I had PTSD as a child, the abuse went on for seven years, from age 9 till I was seventeen and I couldn’t take it no more and told the pedophile to stop. He stopped after I got him sick by putting poison in his coffee. I only wished him to stop, not die. Well, he didn’t die, but years later I wished he had died. I was a child who was thrown away at the age of four, by my parents, to be taken in by the Catholic Charities, and put through eight different foster homes by the time I was five. I already started to have experiences of PTSD symptoms when I was four, when my mother gave me away to the Catholic Charities. The foster family that finally got me, raised me with these symptoms, and made the PTSD worse. When I was nine years old I met this pedophile, who was an ex-marine and boyfriend of my foster sister, I trusted him more than my foster family. That was my mistake, trust from then on would be impossible for me to understand, PTSD is why. I went into the Marine Corps, rather than get drafted to to the army, my number was Four in the last draft of 1971. I avoided any action in Vietnam by way of my intelligence. I served in Okinawa, and I was in the C-130 off loading job, officers, and manifests, and a occasional load of body bags was all I had to deal with. I already had PTSD, so working 24 hours on and 24 hours off was just right for me. I worked the 24 hours and then go out to town for 24 hours and party till I was out cold, or at least numb from being high.PTSD is why. I came home and got married within a month, so I wouldn’t be around the ex-marine pedophile, by that time I had many thoughts of killing him, PTSD is why. (Twenty two years after the abuse I told my foster sister what happened to me, and she confronted her pedophile husband and he said yes I did it, but I don’t know why, she forgave him and asked me to, I tried to forgive him, but I just couldn’t, PTSD is why.) After the Marines, I married my girlfriend who waited for me to come home, and had two beautiful daughters with her. During the fourteen years I was married to her, she saw and heard my PTSD daily, 24 on and never a day off.Two years after she divorced me, I went to the VA for help, took the PTSD test and failed it, they said go home you don’t have anything wrong with you. Within a month I married a woman, who I just met at a NA meeting, and twelve years later I would be told by the VA, yes you have PTSD. Now I have depression, and bi-polar disorder, on top of PTSD, high blood pressure, chronic pain in the neck, overweight, and only told I may or may not get any disability from all of this. I haven’t worked since September of 2002, only a year after 9/11/01, I finally found a compassionate social worker with the VA to help me, get the help and meds I need with PTSD. Now my second wife is greatly burdened with my PTSD, and has to work two jobs to support us both. My older daughter, hasn’t talked to me in five years, she says I ruined her life, and that she doesn’t ever want me around my grandson, so I guess I lost them, too, to PTSD. My youngest daughter, is an angel and just wants peace for herself and my two grand-daughters, so we don’t talk about the past, PTSD keeps me quiet. I am afraid I will lose her, too. PTSD is why. I hate this website and I love this website, PTSD is why. I better get off of this sight before I go Mad. PTSD is why. Why not e-mail me at philafew@yahoo.com. Thanks for your time.

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Date: 29 Apr 2004
Time: 12:29:30

Comments
This web site is very clear and helpful, but because of the colours it cannot be printed off.

“I m hoping to create special printable pages of my website soon (time permitting). Please bare with me as this is a big project but one that is well overdue.”
Andy

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Date: 03 May 2004
Time: 01:53:30

Comments
Thank you, I am a Gulf War Vet and found your site very valuable. Matt Heath, Ohio pointman_ministries@alltel.net

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Date: 05 May 2004
Time: 11:20:55

Comments
i was serving with 45 commando royal marines in south armagh 1974 i was in a 5 man section when we were involved in a booby trap bomb killing corp dennis leach and marine michael sutherland i and another marine were wounded i now have been diagnosed with chronic ptsd i am so pleased to see your website

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Date: 18 May 2004
Time: 13:15:59

Comments
just wonderful stuff!! You include some ideas that should of been made mandatory a long time ago to help people with PTSD. Siski aki

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Date: 21 May 2004
Time: 02:21:46

Comments
Hi All,and Andy,cant quite get my head around the site yet,cant get it together anymore ,the head i mean ,all i feel is anger for the last thirty years,my head is all screwed up since giving my all to the MOD,i have just got access to the web and am just realising i am not the only nutter roaming the streets,thanks to NI,seeing my buddies maimed and killed ,being paddies target dummy day after day,not knowing which split second to duck,not knowing if i would be the next one going home in a body bag, i envey the ones that didn’t make it sometimes (with respect to their loved ones ),at least their torment is over,back in the early seventies i did feel lucky that i made it out of that hell,but that feeling has turned full circle,now i hate life and the uncaring MOD also,no pension ,treatment,CONWY health board wont fund my care,cant hold on much longer,need someones help but how?,MY KIDS NEED THEIR DADDY!!!

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Date: 21 May 2004
Time: 04:50:19

Comments
Hi again yes its me again alans the name virus is my game,if my computer caught a bug you get your hard drive fixed,so how do i get mine sorted?,why have i got so many physical problems:-arthritis in spine,temporal lobe lesions,PAIN oh the PAINS,dreadful fatigue,feeling ill after food,weird blood test results,immune system turning on ME,like a gulf vet in many ways,most doctors i have seen think i am making this all up,i don’t understand!!!. Since NI anyone allowing me into their hearts ,have paid so so heavily for it,i have left a trail of suffering knee high,ruined marriage in the seventies,ruined my first sons life,he wont get better ,like his dad,both my mum and my dad died seeing me a broken and sick man,i seem to constantly punish myself (and my nearest kin),wrecking everything,smashing so many things,no one understands me,they all must think i am mad,I KNOW i am,a serious virus is loose in my head, I so want to die ,yet i cant go and leave my loved ones,they think the world of me ,why when i am so horrible to them???,i dont think i will last very long because of the way i have abbused myself with work,booze,fags,not eating,not sleeping,enough prescription drugs to sink a battle ship,i have been in self destruct mode for so long ,it cant be long now,all i need is care for the poor ones i will leave behind in this horrid world,sh*t world,f*cked up world,evil world,,,ahha,i have just clicked,this is really HELL isn’t it,yes, what a donkey i have been for so long,my body survived but not my brain,that puss inside my skull,that is making all this misery,this debt,this suffering. I am sorry but i cant find the words to express my feelings,i hope we all get a brake on the other side,but i don’t think i have gained many brownie points to bribe my way through the gates,i might take my infected brain through and cause some more sh*t !!!,oh no,what can we do with this alien inside me?????????????????????????????????????????????????

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Date: 28 Jun 2004
Time: 10:14:46

Comments
Andy nice one mate great site. I served in Bosnia like you in 1994 i also now surfer from PTSD at the time unsure if i had it! Receiving assistance from Combat stress but will take time I’m afraid. But all the best and thanks once again.

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Date: 29 Jun 2004
Time: 14:51:09

Comments
Andy, I’ve just discovered your site and would like to thank you for providing it. As a former ‘squaddie’ and member of the RUC between 1967 & 1986 I have 20 years (ish) of ‘problems’ to overcome. I have suffered from nightmares, flashbacks, drink, anger, frustration (the list goes on) for many years and the medical services just don’t seem to understand.(one doctor did, but he moved elsewhere) My latest diagnosis are mild depression (doctor) & low self esteem (psychologist) along with ‘take two tablets and come back in a week’ It has helped me just reading the comments of other sufferers. [I will contact you personally shortly] Thank you once again Alan B

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Date: 05 Jul 2004
Time: 09:20:23

Comments
Great site brother. I am a Gulf War and Bosnian Veteran. I served in the US Army. I was not diagnosed with PTSD till 2000. I had been going to the Veterans Hospital for a couple years trying to tell them I was not right. They basically laughed at me. It took a mental breakdown and being admitted to a mental hospital for them to finally listen. Anyway keep up the good work on this site. Maybe our governments will finally give us the help we need seeing how we gave our all for them.

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Date: 27 Jul 2004
Time: 23:57:37

Comments
Congratulations on this web site although i don’t suffer myself (former member of the RN from Northern Ireland)you have to be recommended for what you are doing. ex forces people need respect for the duties they carried out for years with no thanks yours sincerely Brian Sloan

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Date: 12 Aug 2004
Time: 18:25:04

Comments
The us government need to let all veterans know about these things when they get out of the military so things like want happen any more,send us off too war then forget about us Ive been out of the military thirty four years and they still don,t want to give A ptsd claim plus I was in Vietnam my mos was 11b20 light infantry on the front line WALK POINT BEFORE I GOT HURT THANK YOU

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Date: 12 Aug 2004
Time: 18:40:42

Comments
My name is willie I made a comment a few mins ago and I forgot to add my name it was about letting the veterans no about ptsd before they come from the military and I do hope you can use this to share with others so they want have to go through with what I’m going through with today and not to be left in the dark so thank again solong for now like I hope this will help 8/12/2004

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Date: 15 Aug 2004
Time: 22:22:43

Comments
Hello Andy,
I believe you are one of the “lucky ones”. Lately I saw a program on Dutch tv about PTSD in the military. There were interviews with three veterans. In Holland the government doesn’t do much about PTSD. Until a vet killed his ex-wife and her family in a sudden rage of anger. Now everyone is terrified of veterans and ex-army men. It has even come to the point that one veteran is dragged before court because he shot a bullet in Iraq. The prosecutor has issued an order that shooting in Iraq is illegal. Now the Dutch people are mad with the government and everyone backs him. He has one of the best lawyers in our country.
Thanx
Ronald Eindhoven (eindh010@wxs.nl)

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Date: 21 Aug 2004
Time: 21:44:43

Comments
First of all i would like to apologise and hope that it is ok that i have posted this comment as i am not a servicemen.woman but i totally relate to your experiences. I am an addict and have recently been going through pain and emotional agony which i thought was me going insane or not working the twelve step programme properly. I now know that my feelings are normal when facing the trauma of what happened to me. The experiences i have had are not in any way as nightmarish as the ones you describe but my emotional reaction seems very similar. Thank so much for your bravery and i admire you all. Kind regards Keri (kezaaa@yahoo.com)

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Date: 03 Sep 2004
Time: 06:46:24

Comments
Just read the book synopsis everyone is gabbling on about, AMONGST THE MARINES on www.amazon.co.uk I’m gonna read this, it looks different.

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Date: 05 Sep 2004
Time: 17:28:43

Comments
Hi everyone only just found web site I was in N.I. early 70´s have had a shit life since. p.t.s.s. was diagnosed 15 years after leaving the army, now i´m 54 had a stroke last year will never work again, I feel angry. Alone and worthless. No-one around me can understand my mood swings and drinking, slept well last night after three bottles of wine. “WE SERVED THEY FORGOT” Boggy

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Date: 13 Sep 2004
Time: 11:52:34

Comments
hi, My mane is Brian . I live in the uk. In 1990; a 28 ton truck fell on me. I have survived but do take many drugs and have many symptoms. The drugs help me some days. There are good days when my mind feels free to make decisions and work more normally. Peace is a great gift to have. I am still working P/t. The state helps if you can find it e.g. benefits and support. It is a long haul but I am always trying to find extra help for me and my family. Do not give up no matter how bad your feeling. There has to be help in our world for folk like us. Thanks ,
Twisted thinking site is helping me today.
Thanks , Brian
Email: indoorandoutdoorgardens@emailaccount.com

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Date: 15 Sep 2004
Time: 11:52:22

Comments
Hi, my husband has just been diagnosed with ptsd your web site has helped me try to understand what he is going through. He left the army in 1997 2 yrs after a tour of Bosnia he never told me what had happened out there until Friday, when he was diagnosed he has never had any help until now. And now he has and i’ve read through your site everything makes sense, the drinking the way he shows no emotion, hes always restless never wants to stay anywhere too long job or home and not sleeping. hopefully now the doctors will be able to start helping him and we can start to look forward. I would like to thank you for a well put together web page

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Date: 15 Sep 2004
Time: 20:55:26

Comments
Things have been rough of late but this site has helped me to find other, not so obvious sources of help. Ben

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Date: 18 Sep 2004
Time: 11:59:52

Comments
The best way to help your husband is too be there and listen, listen, listen. Even when it doesn’t mean sense. Sometimes leaving him alone. Sorry for butting in but I suffered in silence for about eighteen years before anyone paid any attention , I was always told to “ Pull your socks up “ Many a time and all I was needing was for SOMEONE TO LISTEN
Best regards Boggy.

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Date: 29 Sep 2004
Time: 01:41:26

Comments
Hi All, I am back again(al the nutter from May),I am wondering if anyone out there has any ideas or info to help me,i live (if that’s what you call it)in Conwy N.Wales area,i have been diagnosed (six long years ago) as suffering with ptsd for the last thirty ish years,I had a nervous breakdown about twenty months ago and to date have received very little useful treatment,on my doorstep is one of the best treatment centres in the country TY-GWYN of Llandudno,the local health board (scum)wont deal with this organisation for reasons beyond me unless it is financial,myself and my families welfare and health are still in decline,which cant go on much longer,is there a group or organisation of any kind that might be able to help me get the treatment i surely deserve,the treatment for ptsd sufferers in this area is pathetic ,and being as i have this evil affliction i am not very able to push for what i surely have earned through my/our immeasurable suffering and devotion to duty,i am now getting so anti-social i wish i could be locked away in solitary confinement somewhere far away,so i can suffer in peace,I wonder sometimes how many of my fellow sufferers are locked up in prisons(makes you wonder i bet),well,i will revisit a couple more times to see if anyone can help,but i can only have this push of mine for a short time every few months ,as my only way of coping is to bury my head back in the sand and try not to remember too much of the torment i endure,I am off as i am starting to write b*ll*cks again,best wishes to all of you, al of 22lt air defence (the Welsh Gunners)retired.

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Date: 29 Sep 2004
Time: 11:48:57

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Dear Sirs,
Can Anybody Help Me?
I found your address on the web and after reading through your site I was wondering if you could help me with my problem or at least point me in the direction of somebody who can.
I have been a Paramedic for the last 25 years and prior to this, served with the Army for 10 years. I saw active service on a few occasions but predominantly Northern Ireland in 1969 (Belfast) and again 1972/3 (Londonderry). I remained on active reserve after leaving the colours until 1996.
I do not know if I am suffering from PTSD but I do know I need help and my family are begging me to get it. I have tried to obtain help through my Consultant Psychiatrist and my GP but to date, this has been unforthcoming and I am only getting conflicting reports.
I include a list of my symptoms that may help you form a picture of my situation but please do not hesitate to contact me if you need any more information.
Regards, Terry Cudmore.

Sleeping Patterns.
For a considerable time now (years), I have been experiencing great difficulty sleeping. Initially, I would go to bed very tired after working hard all day and went to sleep quite easily. I found though that I was being woken throughout the night usually relating to things that have occurred at work or related to incidents I had attended over a period of time. This situation has become progressively worse over the period, I found firstly that I was having difficulty getting off to sleep regardless of how tired I was when I went to bed and in spite of the fact that sitting in the chair down stairs, I was having a job to keep my eyes open. I would lay awake for hours either reading to take my mind off things or just tossing and turning and contemplating the events of the day. This situation continued for a time until it became so bad that my wife had to leave the room we had shared all our married life and move into the spare bed room where she has continued to remain for the past five or so years. Things continued to deteriorate to the stage where I was hardly sleeping at all. In 2003/04, I was prescribed Zopiclone 7.5 mg by one of the Consultant Psychiatrists who has been dealing with my case. Initially, this helped a little but because I can only take them for three days and then have to stop for about a week, I find that I am now not sleeping for the week without the tablets and when I take them they knock me out but the sleep I get seems to be un-refreshing in some way, I wake just as tired as if I had not slept at all.
(2).
Dietary and Medical Problems.
For a considerable number of years, I suffered from severe stomach pains; my GP at that time diagnosed this as Mild Irritable Bowel Syndrome that he said was probably work related due to the stress of the job. He prescribed a white powder (I cant remember its name), which did no good at all. I struggled on with the problem for some years but it continued to get worse and I eventually collapsed at home with the pain. My then new GP (we had just moved house) was called by the Ambulance crew that attended because I refused to go to Hospital. Seeing the scar on my stomach, which was the result of having my spleen removed while serving in the Army, he thought he knew what the problem was, he was wrong. Tests proved that I was suffering from Severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I was prescribed Omeprazole 20mg, which helped to relieve the problem a little though I still have to take them on a regular basis. I continue to suffer from a multitude of muscular pains the most recent of which resulted in frozen shoulders in addition, I suffer from severe headaches which last sometimes as long as three days and which headache pills have little to no effect on. In about 2001/02, I started to experience tingling pains in my extremities, face and arms. To me these resembled the symptoms of a Trans-Ischaemic Attack or minor Cardio-Vascular Attack, they were at times quite debilitating though only for a brief time but I felt, because of the circumstances at work, I could not inform my superiors of them. I did consult one of the Doctors at the hospital who told me it was due to Postural Hypertension though I do not consider this to be accurate as the circumstances did not tie in with the symptoms.
My appetite for food is almost non-existent, no matter how hungry I am, when I sit down to eat I just seem to feel nauseated by the food and can not eat more than a mouthful. This I think has had a direct effect on my weight. Since I was about eleven years of age, my weight had been a constant twelve stone I now fluctuate drastically. I have dropped to as little as eight stone and recently have lost two stone in two months. One of the Consultant Psychiatrists prescribed Mirtazaine 30mg as he said it would aid my eating problem and, for a while it did. I managed to get my weight back up to eleven stone but now it would seem they do not work anymore. As stated, I have dropped back to nine stone in two months and am again unable to eat.
Behavioural Patterns.
This is quite difficult for me as it seems to have happened progressively and in stages over a considerable number of years, neither my wife or I had realised it was happening until recently and after discussing my case with various qualified people. Since about 1997/98, I have become morose, irritable, un-caring and lethargic. Apparently, I would get home from work and would just sit in the chair not talking to anybody, not wanting to talk to anybody. If anybody tried to talk to me I would just get up and walk out of the room and shut myself away from every body. I gradually became more and more irritable with those around me and lost all interest in my appearance or work that needed

(3). doing around the property or anything job related. More recently, I find I am unable to drive my car and get panicky if anyone suggests we go out of the house. I find myself unable to answer the telephone and when it rings I seem to be startled by it all the time. I suffer from panic attacks for no discernable reason, my heart seems to beat faster and I feel as though I am unable to breath. Over a period of time, we seem to have lost all our friends as a result of my attitude towards them. My work effectiveness seemed to deteriorate due to my lack of concentration and seeming loss of memory, at times I was turning up for work when I should not have been there and forgetting to go home when work was over until somebody told me it was time to go. I would also lock myself away and find myself crying my eyes out for no apparent reason.

In July 2003, following yet another serious incident at work which I was involved in and was probably to blame for, I finally had a total mental breakdown and, after unsuccessfully trying to take my own life, was admitted to a mental institution suffering apparently, from moderate to severe depression. In total over a year, I have spent about five months in hospital being treated for depression. My initial Consultant Psychiatrist (with whom I have had serious problems) prescribed me Seroxat 45mg, which are suppressing my symptoms but are causing me to have marital problems. Between January and March this year, I was again admitted to hospital because of my suicidal intent however, because there were no beds in the hospital I should have been admitted to, I was sent into a private hospital. Whilst in this hospital I had a further breakdown through recollections of events, this during the daytime while awake which has never happened before. The Consultant in this hospital spent a lot of time with me going over my case as did his therapist (the only therapy I have had) and both agreed that I could possibly be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. My regular Consultant refuses to accept this and I am unable to get a referral to speak to anybody who knows about it, in fact I have been told there is no facility for it in this area which I now know to be untrue.
My situation now is that my condition is continuing to deteriorate and, apart from the medication, I have no support or backup from the Mental Health Team or therapy of any kind.

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Date: 30 Sep 2004
Time: 23:54:01

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i am no expert in regards medical conditions,but as someone who attends combat stress it sounds about right for being in the forces etc
the advice i would give is first of all is to ask for someone to visit from the royal British legion for a chat they are good at what they do
it could be that they might be able to suggest somewhere like combat stress,i have found these very good

http://www.combatstress.org.uk/home/default.asp

i hope this might help
just by writing you have made one step already,lets now see you take another one
the good thing is there are people there who do understand and people who have been in the same situation as you,so you would be understood

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Date: 01 Oct 2004
Time: 13:18:32

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in regards the last two post i have had great help from the royal British legion and combat stress
this might be a good point for both of you with nothing to lose and perhaps all to gain

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Date: 02 Oct 2004
Time: 05:19:06

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I did find a lot of items that were very similar to how I feel and though I have not been diagnosed with PTSD but instead acute depression -treatment resistance. There are many symptoms and descriptions that fit me and it was good to read this from someone’s point of view “that has been there done that” Thank you for your wisdom to put this site up.

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Date: 10 Oct 2004
Time: 16:06:33

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i don’t know how i found this site on this day of all days, i don’t know where to start,ex army served in ni and bosnia (sarajevo) where we were enclaved for almost 7 months.med discharged in 96 due to fitting episodes when i came back, totally out of the blue. army was my life intended to stay in for as long as i could.8 years later i have 2 ex wives, bumbed from job to job, on/of drink problem 2 failed suicide attempts, diagnosed with ptsd. met a woman who loves me dearly but do not know how or what to tell her. been alone for to long, if not fighting with myself, fighting with my demons that keep visiting me at night. i truly believe I’m on my own , no one understands, the family i did try to talk to did not want to listen, i am different from others and i do not belong but this site has given me a glimmer, alone? not sure but there is definitely people out there who understand!! thank you!!!!

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Date: 26 Oct 2004
Time: 16:23:10

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The symptoms you describe strike a chord with me. My partner has recently been diagnosed with PTSD – due to being a conscript in a S.African military unit many years ago. It’s difficult at times as he’s unable to get the help available to ex British forces & he wants to do it without drugs. Hopefully the therapy the GP organised will help – but so far it’s been a bit of a rough ride.
Cheers… PJ

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Date: 11 Nov 2004
Time: 15:10:14

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Many thanks for this invaluable information. I have made contact with Combat Stress after 14 years of suffering alone.

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Date: 15 Nov 2004
Time: 03:35:52

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I was diagnosed with ptsd in 1993 after serving in the gulf war 90-91.for many years i thought i was going mad,i still think I’m going mad sometimes(more often than not)wot helped me was staying at ty-gwyn and being round people with the same condition,it helps you and re-asures you….the hard thing is putting everything the shrinks and counsellors and care workers have taught you into practice,cos its all in our heads….at the end of the day its down to me to sort it out….

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Date: 15 Nov 2004
Time: 13:03:10

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Ive been to see the GP, what use is that, standard anti depressants. Im going to give it a go, got to, deep down I really want to. Cant handle this beastie in the back of my head anymore. Need some help, want to talk with someone. The family and friends think in loopy im sure.
Take care
Lenny

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Date: 08 Dec 2004
Time: 04:57:58

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Dear Beloved Ones: I have read and I understand and feel your pain. My name is Liz. I live in the USA. I am a Vietnam era veteran. I served in the US Army. I, too, have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress. It can be a very debilitating disease. Andy, I commend you on this site. It is clear that many are in need of help. Help comes in many many forms. For those who read my comments, remember this: With education, medication and a good support group, you CAN live with and learn to manage your PTSD. There is no cure, however, there is always HOPE for tomorrow. Sometimes, we must live from moment to moment. One day we “wake up” in a “living hell”. You are not alone. Your “quality of life” can improve. The “trauma or traumas” may have come about at a very young age, such as in childhood, or as a teen, or frankly, at anytime during your life. PTSD was once commonly known in the USA and other places as “battle fatigue” or “broken heart” disorder. PTSD is more often than not MISdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder, Adjustment Disorder and an array of other psychiatric disorders. I was MISdiagnosed for more years than I care to recall. During the last 15 years or so and particularly within the last 7 years I have come to understand my PTSD and the UNDERlying disorders of my PTSD., i.e, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Panic and Anxiety Disorder, somewhat chronic bouts of Depression, passive/agressiveness, hypervigilance, sleep disturbance, flashbacks, irritability, occasional suicidal/homicidal ideations, – this is just to name a few. Not to mention the inability to maintain “healthy” relationships and the absolute disgust of authority figures and total distrust of government officials/agencies. Yes, there is more – but too much for this posting. More than anything else, I want all of you who suffer from PTSD or who are significant others of those who suffer to KNOW – you ARE NOT CRAZY, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! and YOU ARE NOT ALONE…you are not alone in feelings the emotions you feel. It does not make any difference if you are suffering from PTSD as a result of military service or suffering as a result of some other trauma; You are NOT alone. There are real live people out here – just like me and you – who are here to help each other learn more about our PTSD so we can help ourselves in improving our quality of life. It is a bad feeling to be told that you will not be able to return to the work force; it is a hard pill to swallow when you realize that you just probably will have to be on medications the rest of your life; it’s a bad feeling when someone tell you, “take your pills and get over it” or “you’re just crazy!” or “you’re not who you used to be”. I could write a disseration on PTSD. Know that you are loved by those whom you have never met; know that you are not alone, and there is help out here; know that you are important; know that you CAN and WILL make it – no matter the obstacle. If you would like to know more, please, do not hesitate to contact me at ebcannon@cox.net I know you are there and I am here – but I am willing and humbled to help you learn more and communicate with you and listen to you. I will share with you what I understand and know to be true about PTSD. God Bless each and every one of you. I hope to hear from you soon. Andy, you have done a great job on this site. I will continue to visit on a daily basis as best I can. Please visit vva.org and check out Vietnam Veterans of American, Inc., and their site on PTSD. It will give you hope and you will learn more. Thank you for reaching out to help those who suffer from PTSD. You are doing well. Keep up the good work as the work of educating continues on and on and on. God Bless – Liz

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Date: 14 Dec 2004
Time: 11:52:03

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hello all,i was diagnosed with PTSD in 1989 whilst serving in the Royal Navy.I was lucky in the fact that i got help after 10 months of going through hell.I was discharged in 1991 aged 21 after 5 years service.What a shock civvy street was and still is sometimes.I am going through a bad patch at the moment,destroying my second marriage with help from my old friends Anger and Violence.I have just come back from an appointment at my doctors.My wife came along to support me.I didnt know where to start or what to say.I couldnt explain the way i was feeling all i know is that my life is falling apart again.My first wife went through hell but we were togeather from when i was diagnosed.My second wife is going through the same thing.I have tried to explain how i feel and why i do and say the things i do.In the end i looked on the net and found some info on PTSD for her to read.I think she understands a little better but its still not right for me to ruin everything we have.And then there`s my kids.Aged 20 months 6,9 and 15 years.what have they done wrong to deserve all this.My doctor doesnt think its the PTSD that is making feel like this but Anxiety.I have to wait for the Community Psychiatric Nurse who i have a emergency appointment with this week.I`m not allowed to drink any alcohol but its the same if i havent drank.This is harder to say than i thought.I have so much to say but dont know how to say it.I`m gonna stop now,not cause i want to because i have never had to chance to talk or listen to anyone else since 1991.When i can think a little straighter i will come back and talk some more.I will tell you all how my visit from the CPN went.

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Date: 15 Dec 2004
Time: 15:06:13

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I know nothing about PTSD which my son has been diagnosed with, thank you for supplying so much information, Gill Heath a worried mother

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“Due to some very sick person continuing to put porn sites or Free Drug website info on the guest book I have had to Change the facility to leave messages from Direct user entry to an email service”

“Please can I make it clear that I never condoned this behaviour or endorsed this info being put on my website and I apologise for any distress this may have caused any of you.”

“I look forward to receiving you Guest Book entries again very soon.”
Andy

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