Guest Book Archived Messages 11

I was only in the army for 18 months and was involved in a serious accident while on exercise in the Brecon Beacons,

I was badly affected by the accident and was discharged from the army on snlr, I thought that was a very cruel way to be treated, I most definitely suffer from PTSD and I believe the SNLR made things worse, DAVE

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Just listened to a documentary about PTSD on radio1 (Colin Murray) on way home from work, almost had me crying!! I spent 6 years in army, 83-89, half of that in NI, needless to say my head was a shed after, though it took 15 years to get help and medication for the panic attacks, low self esteem and depression. Also had drink and drug probs but calmed down a lot now thanks to medication and focus on where I am and who I am. When you're in the mob you have to be tough with no signs of weakness, you and your mates really are as one, but carrying the pent up stress of what you see and how you deal with it can become a burden in later life, and I KNOW that most civvies have no concept of what your experiences were like, but please please PLEASE!! Try and talk to someone, it's better to unburden yourself than let things eat away at your head, you're not alone!! Best wishes to all!

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Why does it take so long to have an appointment for PTSD? Even though I have been seen on previous occasions since 1999 I have been awaiting an appointment now since reapplying for help via my GP in July this year. I had a reply saying they were busy and I would be seen within 12 weeks or so. That last month. Tracked down the sender but still no appointment even though I said I really needed the help now! Not later.

If you are a British War Veteran and have a current War Pension for your PTSD then you can use the Health Service Guideline for War Pensioners to try and force your local Health Authority to get you a faster more appropriate appointment. You can print this off my home page link. If you want me to guide you through this or need to claim for a War Pension and are unsure how too, please email me.

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I am hoping to open ptsd [combat] drop in centre in bordon Hampshire before the year is out. I have just been medically retired from working so I would like to use my free time to help families and service people to identify the symptoms. I myself suffer from chronic ptsd from Falklands and attend combat stress at leatherhead 6 weeks a year

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This is very odd for me. It was a strange event for me today. I have PTSD. I was at University (mature student at MMU). I registered my PTSD with the learning support unit before starting the course and got my learning plan etc.

Three weeks into the lectures, another mature student approaches me, after a very boring lecture. We start talking; have a cig etc, I ask him some advice, as he seems to know the score. Before I know it, he is up front with me. A gulf war 1 vet with PTSD.

He picked me out because of the induction day; I was wearing a combat jacket with a proper name tag, correctly installed corporal strips, and ironed.

I had a shock moment for a few minutes but carried on talking to my new friend. I informed him, the jack was given to me by my cousin. Who was also in Desert Storm.

After a while I said to him, so you’re the other one. I had been informed by student learning services there was another mature student on the course with PTSD. I was totally taken aback to be honest.

We talked for an hour and a half during a study break. He walked me through this site, gave me advice that the various shrinks I have seen didn't seem to give.

My PTSD is different from what you guys in the armed forces went through, but all the same. I will look here for support from now on.

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Another organisation that offers care for disabled ex-service persons: www.erskine.org.uk

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PTSD and EMDR

My name is David and I’ve been wrestling with PTSD for 24 years now. I’d often thought that madness, suicide or a stress-induced early grave were waiting for me, but recently this site was an important link in a chain that led to some very helpful treatment (way too late to save career, house or business unfortunately!) - so a big ‘thank you’ to Andy and all the guest book contributors, and, in the hope that this in turn might help someone else, I thought it might be useful to describe what happened.

Like John (guest book post 29.1.06) I had been trying to challenge the flashbacks and other symptoms using ‘STOP IT’ as a kind of intervention, but for me this led to other problems. For example, although some flashbacks did fade, other key ones became even more powerful. Also, it began to feel as if all my memories had become toxic so that unless distracted by obsessive overwork or heavy drinking I could become flooded by a constant flow of apparently random bad thoughts that moved too fast to intercept. Maybe trying to clear our conscious mind might perhaps sometimes be like switching off a PC Monitor – the screen goes blank but all the programmes are still running (?)

I absolutely agree with everything that RR said (29.12.05) about the need for a good professional therapist who you can feel comfortable with, and the value of journalling (keeping a reflective diary). For example, journal keeping has been described as “a way of becoming aware of the patterns of our inner life…of beginning to re-create your life…a decision that your life has value and meaning and deserves the effort of recollection and reflection…that what you are living and learning is worth recording”. The problem I found is that thinking and talking about PTSD can be very distressing, and the more you think and talk about it, as in a journal or ‘talking’ therapies, the more painful it can become.

What seems to have begun to turn things round for me is a course of E.M.D.R. (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing). For anyone who hasn’t already checked this out, EMDR is not a ‘talking therapy’ but is thought to work by mimicking the way the brain processes memories during rapid eye movement sleep. Apparently, sometimes traumatic events can cause this natural mechanism to become stuck (like a frozen PC, a log jam or a blocked drain for example), so we constantly relive the experience through vivid dreams or flashbacks. Using controlled rhythmic eye movements, EMDR breaks up this blockage by separating the emotional effects from the actual event (desensitising) then introducing a different and less painful way to feel about what happened so that the memory can be filed like any other (reprocessing). Its nothing to do with hypnotism or ‘brainwashing’ – you still have a memory, just not the overwhelming harmful emotional responses and associated symptoms that go with it.

I know all this sounds like hocus pocus, and I was very lucky that in my case it was my ex-employer who referred me for treatment and funded it – my GP was as sceptical as I was initially and I don’t think I would have got a referral from him. However, although not a magic cure, I personally found EMDR to be an amazingly powerful and effective form of treatment that so far has substantially eased my condition and all its symptoms.

My therapist (an experienced consulting clinical psychologist) has had success in reducing the impact of symptoms across a wide client base including combat veterans from the Falklands onwards, civilian emergency services, child abuse and rape victims, and traumatic bereavements. There are some useful websites to browse through that are quickly accessed via ‘Google’ and my honest advice is, if you get a chance give this therapy a real good go.

The good news is that it is recommended by NICE as a particularly effective treatment for PTSD and is available on the NHS. The bad news is that there may be a long waiting list in some areas (12-16months)(but it could be well worth it), and some GPs may still be reluctant to refer (maybe press them politely but firmly; contact the Patient Advice and Liaison Service [PALS] at your Primary Care NHS Trust; work through SSAFA or Combat Stress; print this and show your GP it etc). All I can say is EMDR certainly helped me, and I hope sharing this might help you too.

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Andy was asking for positive stories ,well i was PTSD diagnosed after long service in the prison service. I ended up losing my job, my family so on so forth, anyway after a lot of sleepless nights i have turned my life around and have a new family a new career and can feel lovely feelings for the first time in years and all I know is if i can do it then anyone can . I know it can seem hopeless and black inside but it can change and i am actually finding the experience has a positive side, I can appreciate my life more and its made me a better person more aware, and a better human being to be with.

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Yes... I have ptsd. I suffer from it and don't leave me live in peace. I am sick from it. I am not a veteran but i had a traumatic episode in my childhood. My live is going to a shit. I am in a foreign country. Alone. Always alone. No contact with my family for years, I am working and its all wath is I am doing. No friends. Nothing. Am I going to fight this virus during my whole live?? I am under therapy but I feel no advance. Thank you for your site. It is a pleasure know that I am not alone.

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Hi mate, back last year I e mailed you when I was really low. one thing led to another and I ended up at Tyrwhitt house for a week, in my opinion and others who know me, I suffer symptoms of PTSD. The staff there didn't seem to be motivated and after being there 3 days sat in my room , I had to ask what was going on. One member of staff didn't even know the Army role in N.I . At the end of one week, and being seen once by a therapist and once by the Psychiatrist, I was told I had Mixed affective disorder. My GP laughed at this and I found this very frustrating. I have just been there again and after only two days I quit and went home. I got fed up with being told to go make something in the workshop or paint a picture. I'm gonna go see my gp and see if I can get some form of counselling local to me, I can see what combat stress are trying to do however if they are gonna have 30 or so people in at anyone time , I fail to see how they can give enough time to each individual. The forces really should give counselling at the end of service, I have suffered many years if the symptoms of PTSD and feel that its not been taken serious enough by NHS. This is a good site and it not only brings people to good reference point, but bangs home that there are many sufferers out there and I'm not going mad. Simon 9 ( ex inf )

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As one of the lucky few who attend Audley Court, Newport, I just wanted to wish all readers of this website well.

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Hi, my partner is suffering from ptsd after the summer 2005 riots in northern Ireland I found your web site very useful because his behaviour is so weird sometimes but when I checked out your site it's as if you have written it all about him

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I have not been in the military but had a very military like up bringing. I have had multiple bad, abusive, relationships and I feel I can trust no one and especially the husband that I have now. He says that he feels like he is paying for all my past relationships. I know that this man trys hard but his charactor defects, not yet resolved, are tearing me apart. Yes this is debilitating and I have caught him in lies. However big or small the lies are, they leave me in terror and I know that he loves me but I have lost "ME" all together. I was abused by a husband before him who is in prison now for repeatedly beating on me and the last time he got attempted man slaughter. After he was gone I mat a prince charming who constantly cheated on me but I stayed in this for 3 1/2 years. He didn't hit me but I learned to question everything he did. I moved to Tucson from Texas 2 years ago to end this sickness and I was alone (happy) for 1 year. My current husband and I met in a 12 step program and we both have years sober. We both work our programs to the best of our daily ability and this is good but not enough. He has issues that trigger my PTSD and I just found out abou this PTSD recently. I need help and I can be contacted @:csherribeautiful@cox.net Please can someone ou there tell me what to do with this PTSD because I don't know where to turn.

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Ur! For a long time searched for this information, thanks that at you has found it. Success and prosperity. Greetings from Russia:)

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I am an ex Fireman ( Fire and Rescue service from a county in Southern Britain)with 22yrs service, now medically discharged with chronic PTSD from

Andy,You are providing just what those with PTSD desparately need so badly..... hearing from others who show we can survive it. It is such a help

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Glad I've found this site, I was diagnosed about 5 yrs ago and spent 4mths in Haslar, Pompy. Felt a fraud initially when you listen to other stories but then when listening to others realised we are all ordinary people exposed to something out of the ordinary.

laid dormant for a time, but after SF training and Iraq specialist tour, has all come back, drinking, anger, cruel to loved ones and depressed. Have started seeing shrink who is good, family side will probably need sorting as it will hurt too many, not mad just trying to deal with it.

Can't find a way to make family understand, not that they should as it's not a thing I want them learning to live with, their Dad going off on one every 5 minutes.

Hi Ray, one way many people have tried to get their family to understand is to get them to look at this website and read through the pages and the guest book entries. This helps them understand 'a little' or more important gives them an insight into what you are going through and that has helped many people to accept the 'New You' against judging you against 'Who you were before PTSD and Who you are now' Give it a go, it may help?

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hi thank god for this site thought I was the only one coping with alien behaviour in a very loving and kind proud man. After 2 years of a complete character change and nasty aggressive and humiliating his family emotional withdrawal and refusing to

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I've just come back from Basra where I've been on detachment. My first 2 tours were quiet, the one I've just returned from has messed my head up quite badly. It's not in the news but Basra gets attacked by rockets and mortars almost daily. Sitting in a tent on your own in the night and the *thump* as a rocket hits nearby is the single most terrifying thing I have experienced. Not knowing when or where and knowing there's nothing you can do to avoid it if it is coming your way, I can't describe how bad the uncertainty is that I'm left with. Any time a loud bang sounds nearby I'm right on edge again waiting for the attack alarm to sound.

When I got back all I feel I really needed was someone to talk to who knew me and what made me tick. Unfortunately that person was no longer there for me and after spending 4 days in a house on my own I don't know anything any more. I hope I can find someone or somewhere to help me get out of this before it takes over completely.

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I have got so much admiration for Your very Good Self, with regards to this Web site. I am a veteran of 10yrs service in British Army, and like many other Fine Veterans am suffering from PTSD. I am currently awaiting an admission to 1 of Combat Stress's centres in uk.

I am currently residing in Guernsey (CI), what inspires me in life and Fight for JUSTICE is knowing that I am not alone in my suffering.

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It is a lonely path we PTSD Sufferers follow particularly when friends and family desert you. We cannot help what we are, we are what the military made us, but when your loved ones desert you that hurts.

I have been marred for 35 years and my wife left me some 20 days ago after all that time. It is not funny for us who suffer. We need a relationship to survive, we need reassurance and above all else, friendship to keep us going. I have my dog that I talk to but get little sense from him as one would appreciate.

Now with my astringed wife departed I am alone and it is very difficult for me to cope, three children and not one is in contact. I have brought these people up, nurtured them and helped them in so many ways but not one is there when I need them most like now. I have paid for three marriages for the boy and 3 marriages for the two girls and I feel it rather selfish that not one of them can be bothered to even get in touch when I need them most

For me, my PTSD has almost got the better of me. It comes and goes and if it continues I don’t think I can take much more

Hi KK, I agree life is not easy for us and indeed it seems to share more than its fair share of misery and loneliness. You are not alone in this as there are many, many of other vets who have fell into the same difficulties you are experiencing. Have you contacted Combat Stress? You can phone them at any time for a chat and support 01372 841600. Alternatively SSAFA Forces Help and a confidential support line you can call 0800 731 4880

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As a result of the sights and incidents which I was exposed to during my 22 year career as a Royal Army Medical Corps Combat Med Tech, I too now suffer with PTSD, the main triggers being anything involving cruelty to children. Having witnessed the carnage of the effects of artillery strikes on a school near Gornji Vakuf.

Being a medic, I knew that I was ill long before I admitted it to anyone (including myself ). As a result i now have a double life.

There is the life at work, n my civilian job, where I am the life and soul of the party, the man who CAN and WILL do any task to a high standard, then there is the man at home, who is tired of being ill, tired of taking tablets, tired of snapping at his children and his wife, who have stood by him. This is the man that I hate, the man who I want to kill, the man who I want to make suffer, like all the people in my nightmares suffered. BUT I CAN'T DO IT.

I have researched PTSD and realise that I now have two battles to fight, one battle for each of my personalities, With the help of this web site I can now see more clearly the two people in my life. With the support of my family, all the staff at Audley Court and my NHS Psychologist I WILL BEAT IT.

In an ideal world I would like to organize a coach trip to some the current British Army

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I have just listened to something about Gulf War Syndrome on the BBC 6 am News this morning, missed most what was being said because I was having a flashback and I am at last so glad that it has been recognised by the Government because I suffer from it. I don’t sleep and when I do I have so terrible nightmares and flashbacks through the day but I was told whilst being examined at St Thomas’s that GWS did not exist and I am living proof that it does. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks and nervous all the time I fell very ill in Iraq but the MOD Doctor said I never served in Iraq. If that is the case, why was I given a Bar stating “Iraq” to add to my GSM

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Hi all this is my first post as I have just found the website, reading through the comments has been a great help already it shows that I am not alone.

One particular comment got me thinking, it was from the wife of an ex Royal marine, does leaving the forces bring it to the surface. I served in Africa, NI and Iraq, also as part of the foot and mouth crisis team. I was in the infantry for 8 years.

It started for me after a year of leaving, I was out with friends it wasn't a particular heavy session, just met a nice girl had a good job. I was just sitting there and then I knocked over my drink, it was like a switch in my head was activated and I just got up and walked off, I went into a deep depression for a few days crying and not knowing why. My family were excellent, but just didn't understand. I have found that when you talk about it( to family) it doesn't seam real the emotions that you go through, I still find it hard to open up to people and talk about things, I have seen plenty of things in my career, I never shot any one, been shot at.

I left the army in 2004, and seem to have these episodes once maybe twice a year, and little ones when I drink. my question is, is it ptsd or just me feeling sorry for myself. what do I do?

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Hi Andy, cheers for a great site that seems to have started me on some sort of recovery. Worst bit of PTSD seems to be that you think that you're alone and just going mad. Reading the comments here lets me know that I'm not either of those. Trying to hide it and appear 'normal' just makes it worse cos you can't keep it up and then you feel guilty about letting people down. I haven't read anything in all your guestbook comments that doesn't give me the impression that we are all just people who want to get our lives back for the good of the loved ones around us. We didn't ask for what happened to us and we don't expect people to understand what we went through but we want to be better than we are.

DON'T give up trying, take whatever help you can and for ***** sake don't worry about 'bending someone's ear'. Talking about things is the best way to deal with them, and if someone doesn't understand, don't worry and don't stop, the next person you talk to might and they are going to be people who will be the new friends you make that will replace the ones you have lost. Look at the page on this site : http://www.ptsd.org.uk/important_things_in_life.htm work out your 'rocks' and remember that EVERYTHING else is just 'sand'.

It really helped me get my perspective back and although too late to save my second relationship lost through PTSD, I don't think I'll lose the next one (if it happens!). Best wishes to everyone who finds this site, the light at the end of the tunnel has NOT gone out, you've just turned around in the dark.

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hi Andy I'm a fellow suffer and am going to combat stress soon. I am finally getting the help I need after 19 Years. I also have found someone who can help with a technique called rewind. It does work. I would be interested in other people who would like to try this . regards Martyn

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I read a lot of the comments here, and its so sad, my late husband was in the services for 18 yrs, first as a Welsh Guard (Falklands) and then RAMC, Gulf, also N. Ireland, Bosnia. He came out and never adjusted to civvy street. He tried for while, but I realised he was hiding his demons with drink, prescription drugs etc. He did open up but after trying for help everywhere I think he eventually gave up. He took his own life in 2000.

We were actually separated for 3 wks before that, but only because he got out of control and was getting threatening and violent, as most families will know, its affects all the family. Just another victim, where a man serves his country and when he leaves army, is totally forgotten. Yes, he did go to Combat Stress and it made him worse, one, being away from family and two, because someone at the retreat he stayed, threw money at him if he would stab this person. He came back more confused.

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1st Gulf war veteran, I take each day as it comes, hit the bottle to sleep at night until the nightmares wake me again. Some days are better than others, I cope but only just...

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I found the site yesterday and had a quick scan through. It clears up a lot for me, the anger, the mood swings, periods of normality and then the depths of despair. I sleep intermittently and then wake in the middle of the dream unable to sort reality from the dream world of memories. I drink until I can sleep, this gets me some hours anyway. I was in the first Gulf. My marriage broke up in '93, we limped on until '96, with neither of us speaking much until I walked out into nowhere. I drifted along eventually working back in Kuwait and on to Saudi, buried a lot of demons by going back I suppose? I have picked my life back up in many ways, rejoined civilisation but I hate crowds and tend to lock myself away at nights. They tried to get me to talk to someone once, he was more interested in the fact that he had a PTSD case and gleaning info about it than my problems, how the heck I could explain to someone that has only read about things in a book was a joke so I walked out in disgust and anger, platitudes P*** me off.

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You have a good site, I had been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. 11years ago, but was referred for Bereavement Counselling, this did help but I still experience a lot of the symptoms you describe.

After looking at this site I will be going back to my G.P. tomorrow. THANK YOU!!

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If you want to talk, please email me direct on Andy@ptsd.org.uk and we can talk confidentially. Everything is always private and never divulged to anyone, trust is always hard to give but I never break that trust.

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Hi Andy just found this web site and at last I see that it is not only me that suffers from this illness. I was in the army back in 1987 when my mate was murdered in Northern Ireland. All I will say about that is the 2 Royal Corp of Signals pulled from a car and killed. Ever since that time I have suffered flash backs and if it is really bad I can not remember what I have done if I have a flash back. Once I was found about a mile away from where I live but could I remember how I got there NO. Scared the living daylights out of me. To anybody who reads this please believe it does get better, but you have to give it time and seek help as soon as you can. I did but only after 13 years of trying to hide the fact that I was ill. Now I am a very proud Granddad and still married to a very special person. the person who stood by me through all the harm and hurt I caused.

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2005 when he was diagnosed with PTSD. He gets a lot of help as the RAF stepped in to look after him because the army were conveniently ignoring his symptoms. I however, am really struggling - I can't imagine what he is going through - I can not believe we are still together. I don't want PTSD to destroy the only structured thing he has left in his life (us). Why can't the army take responsibility - not for the fact that he has PTSD but for the way they have discarded him and other effected soldiers - people who offer their lives to the job. Its cruel.

There will be no-one who reads your comments who will not totally agree with you. Perhaps if some of our politicians were to read these guest book entries, then they would see the enormity of the situation and the grief and pain that they put our service men, women and families through by constantly spouting rhetoric and never delivering on promises and equality for fair health care? Andy

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Mac, must be a tough time of year for you. I got PTSD from a series of occurences around that time, but strangely, the one that affects me most is one that I only saw on the news. I really cant describe what I mean by that very well, so please don’t think I’m belittleing what happened. I think the fact that I was so screwed up by the other things that happened to me both “at work” in the RAF and off duty, that at the time that I was left very vulnerable to shocking events. I’ve had nightmares about your friends since they were murdered. Last year I tried a treatment that proved very effective in helping me cope with many difficult images and feelings, but those in particular. Now I no longer have the nightmares about that, but they are never far from my thoughts. It’s coming up to the anniversary of their deaths very shortly, so I’ll be spending a little alone time to think of them and hoping that they are at rest wherever they are.

I’m really glad to hear you’re making positive progress. I feel like it’s sometimes 2 steps forwards and one step backwards. Sometimes it’s 3 steps back ;-)

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Ex RAF 31 years. Anxiety state wef 1952/4. Invalided 1976. Now 80 and physically disabled but mentally fine. Resolved problem self by avoiding

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Hi Andy, found your site very informative. I am a mental health worker, had no idea how neglected the treatment of PTSD was until recent articles in the paper.

Have read that the government is finally going to do something, and are setting up pilot sites this year for treatment of veterans within the NHS.

I am an EMDR therapist, and would be only too proud to work with vets if my area were picked as one of these pilot sites

This is very nice to hear and I hope that you are allowed to do this but you have to bear in mind that behind all the government spin and rhetoric the reality is that service personnel are seemed as complex and difficult cases and do not fit into the lovely square pegs used by the NHS to triage patients. It took me 13 years to get referred to a psychologist by the NHS so I can only hope that things do change and change quickly?

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I think my partner is suffering with PTSD. He is having nightmares, personal i dont want to discuss, but definitely war/battle related. His is irritabe, low, depressed, no outlook on life, but to get him to admit it is difficult.He has been in the Army for years since he was 16, he is now 45. Just to say thanks for your site xx I have an uphill battle but i will be with him all the time x

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A Big thank you for a brilliant website---feel such support when PTSD makes you feel so alone .

I am a woman who lives with complex trauma and find that your ideas really do help---find good music food and Nature put me in touch with the goodness of life. I used to work as a nurse and I know that kindness and gentleness go such a long way---this is so healing for trauma. To block unwanted noise I use ear plugs and this calms my nervous system. take care

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I'm an ex serviceman, 27 years operational and now pass on my experiences to serving members on workshops and one day training sessions. I also teach stress management on a wider circuit as it affects us all.

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Hi Mac here again. Special thanks to the person who left the message for me dated 13th march 2007. As you are well aware it has only just passed on the 19th of march and as you said you had a little bit of you time to yourself. Well so did I and Mr Brandy bottle came to visit so had a drink or 2 just to remember them both. Don't worry stayed home so I would not do anything stupid and regret it afterwards. Been there and done that, ended up in trouble with the police a few times, a few years now since it happened. Defiantly the lowest time I have felt. Tried to end it twice but thank god I did not succeed. Well I'll sign off for know keep strong everybody and remember there is light at the end of the tunnel. See you Mac

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id just like to say as a ex servicewoman 1995 to 2001. I always denied I had PTSD until I finally realised that hey I did do active service, Northern Ireland and Kosovo, I was bullied/sexually harassed (mainly by insecure high ranking males) and I do have a heavy drug problem ( iv been smoking weed since I left) and right now I am thinking about all those lads and lassies in Iraq doing everything including taking drugs to get out of there and my heart bleeds for them. your website helped me to realise that I have been suffering from PTSD for quite a few years now, I always looked back on my army career and thought it was never that bad. not as bad as I imagine those lads and lassies out there in Iraq are going through right now but it iv realised I seen enough to scar me that's for sure. if I really think about it I'm only now after all these years learning to live a normal life and deal with my experiences. I feel spurned on to help my fellow ex servicemen and woman in some way but I think first I'm going to get some help. many thanks. Lisa

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PTSD and EMDR

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