Date:

03 Apr 2004

Time:

03:05:43

Remote User:

 

Comments

watched my CO kill a man. Even approached CO along with 8 others in company, in attempt to persuade him to change his orders, and to show him many of us knew what he was doing. No charges were ever brought. I was nearly court-martialed for talking about it to other commanders and I.G. After nearly 30 years I am in regular contact with several former platoon memebers/witnesses.

Date:

03 Apr 2004

Time:

23:10:52

Remote User:

 

Comments

today is 04/04/2004 and I am 44 years old clapped out ex-matelot . then was --/02/1977 I was 17 years old why was I in NI with a SMG . now Im a disabled / arrogant / control freak / alchoholic in a 'civvy gutter'.

Date:

15 Apr 2004

Time:

22:14:12

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Comments

brilliant web site. served 4 yrs 4 yrs turned me into a monster.they say they want men but the men they destroy.your just a number paid to put your finger on the trigger.be aggressive lads and what did they do. put me in colchester for 6 months.back to the battalion. then ireland.how much more could they f**k your brains up. never forget the word they said to me (once a squaddie always a squaddie) they made sure of that! btu i am determind that they wont have the right in what they said. im a husband a father a man. but not a squaddie. thank you!

Date:

15 Apr 2004

Time:

22:18:26

Remote User:

 

Comments

brilliant web site. served 4 yrs 4 yrs turned me into a monster.they say they want men but the men they destroy.your just a number paid to put your finger on the trigger.be aggressive lads and what did they do. put me in colchester for 6 months.back to the battalion. then ireland.how much more could they f**k your brains up. never forget the word they said to me (once a squaddie always a squaddie) they made sure of that! btu i am determind that they wont have the right in what they said. im a husband a father a man. but not a squaddie. thank you!

Date:

19 Apr 2004

Time:

08:56:49

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Comments

I have just heard on radio scotland that Hollybush House in Ayr could close due to the need for a £1,000,000 to build new accommodation, if this closes it will be a disaster for many many people in scotland, why dont the NHS refer people to them and cover the cost of treatment for their referals so helping to fund the running of Hollybush House

Date:

20 Apr 2004

Time:

11:25:05

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Comments

I served....difficult choice of word.... served - my emotions - I hope you understand? By implication to serve impiies subservience, a willingness to do the bidding of others. But then isn't that what we did and many still do? I find it strange that you may teach a dog to be subservent - but if you mistreat, it you will be punished. I joined the British army as a boy in 1962 at the age of 15: it was 'something to do.' In 1965 four weeks after my 18th birthday I was patrolling the streets of Crater city, Aden...that was fun. In 1969 the endless tours of 'the troubles' began - the fun stopped. I began drinking, it seemed to do the job. It at least made life more palatable? I sought refuge in marriage - wife daughter - blew it. I managed a secondment here and there middle east predominatly - I think with hindsight to keep out of the way for a while. In 1984, whilst on secondment, I remarried. I left the army in 1987, after 25 years and some days....An emmotional time bomb, I ticked off from your list. I get a pension I have a diagnosis - PTSD......The thing I want most of all is a life....Where the fuck is it? If I had been a dog someone would be punished!

Date:

26 Apr 2004

Time:

21:01:39

Remote User:

 

Comments

Thanks Andy, for this website, I haven't cried like this since I was a child. I am a vietnam era vet, an ex-marine, and a victim of child sexual abuse. I had PTSD as a child, the abuse went on for seven years, from age 9 till I was seventeen and I couldn't take it no more and told the pediphile to stop. He stopped after I got him sick by putting poison in his coffee. I only wished him to stop, not die. Well, he didn't die, but years later I wished he had died. I was a child who was thrown away at the age of four, by my parents, to be taken in by the Catholic Charities, and put through eight different foster homes by the time I was five. I already started to have experiences of PTSD symptoms when I was four, when my mother gave me away to the Catholic Charities. The foster family that finally got me, raised me with these symptoms, and made the PTSD worse. When I was nine years old I met this pediphile, who was an ex-marine and boyfriend of my foster sister, I trusted him more than my foster family. That was my mistake, trust from then on would be impossible for me to understand, PTSD is why. I went into the Marine Corps, rather than get drafted to to the army, my number was Four in the last draft of 1971. I avoided any action in Vietnam by way of my intelligence. I served in Okinawa, and I was in the C-130 off loading job, officers, and manifests, and a occasional load of body bags was all I had to deal with. I already had PTSD, so working 24 hours on and 24 hours off was just right for me. I worked the 24 hours and then go out to town for 24 hours and party till I was out cold, or at least numb from being high.PTSD is why. I came home and got married within a month, so I wouldn't be around the ex-marine pediphile, by that time I had many thoughts of killing him, PTSD is why. (Twenty two years after the abuse I told my foster sister what happened to me, and she confronted her pediphile husband and he said yes I did it, but I don't know why, she forgave him and asked me to, I tried to forgive him, but I just couldn't, PTSD is why.) After the Marines, I married my girlfriend who waited for me to come home, and had two beautiful daughters with her. During the fourteen years I was married to her, she saw and heard my PTSD daily, 24 on and never a day off.Two years after she divorced me, I went to the VA for help, took the PTSD test and failed it, they said go home you don't have anything wrong with you. Within a month I married a woman, who I just met at a NA meeting, and twelve years later I would be told by the VA, yes you have PTSD. Now I have depression, and bi-polar disorder, on top of PTSD, high blood pressure, chronic pain in the neck, overweght, and only told I may or may not get any disability from all of this. I haven't worked since Septemberof 2002, only a year after 9/11/01, I finally found a compassionate social worker with the VA to help me, get the help and meds I need with PTSD. Now my second wife is greatly burdened with my PTSD, and has to work two jobs to support us both. My older daughter, hasn't talked to me in five years, she says I ruined her life, and that she doesn't ever want me around my grandson, so I quess I lost them, too, to PTSD. My youngest daughter, is an angel and just wants peace for herself and my two grand-daughters, so we don't talk about the past, PTSD keeps me quiet. I am afraid I will lose her, too. PTSD is why. I hate this website and I love this website, PTSD is why. I better get off of this sight before I go Mad. PTSD is why. Why not e-mail me at philafew@yahoo.com. Thanks for your time.

Date:

29 Apr 2004

Time:

12:29:30

Remote User:

 

Comments

This web site is very clear and helpful, but because of the colours it cannot be printed off.

"I m hoping to create special printable pages of my website soon (time permitting).  Please bare with me as this is a big project but one that is well overdue."

Andy

Date:

03 May 2004

Time:

01:53:30

Remote User:

 

Comments

Thank you, I am a Gulf War Vet and found your site very valuable. Matt Heath, Ohio pointman_ministries@alltel.net

Date:

05 May 2004

Time:

11:20:55

Remote User:

 

Comments

i was serving with 45 commando royal marines in south armagh 1974 i was in a 5 man section when we were invoved in a booby trap bomb killing corp dennis leach and marine michael sutherland i and another marine were wounded i now have been diagnosed with chronic ptsd i am so pleased to see your website

Date:

18 May 2004

Time:

13:15:59

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Comments

just wonderful stuff!! You include some ideas that should of been made mandatory a long time ago to help people with PTSD. Siski aki

Date:

21 May 2004

Time:

02:21:46

Remote User:

 

Comments

Hi All,and Andy,cant quite get my head around the site yet,cant get it together anymore ,the head i mean ,all i feel is anger for the last thirty years,my head is all screwed up since giving my all to the MOD,i have just got access to the web and am just realising i am not the only nutter roaming the streets,thanks to NI,seeing my buddies maimed and killed ,being paddies target dummy day after day,not knowing which split second to duck,not knowing if i would be the next one going home in a body bag,i envey the ones that didnt make it sometimes (with respect to their loved ones ),at least their torment is over,back in the early seventies i did feel lucky that i made it out of that hell,but that feeling has turned full circle,now i hate life and the uncaring MOD also,no pension ,treatment,CONWY health board wont fund my care,cant hold on much longer,need someones help but how?,MY KIDS NEED THEIR DADDY!!!

Date:

21 May 2004

Time:

04:50:19

Remote User:

 

Comments

Hi again yes its me again alans the name virus is my game,if my computer caught a bug you get your hard drive fixed,so how do i get mine sorted?,why have i got so many physical problems:-arthritis in spine,temporal lobe lesions,PAIN oh the PAINS,dreadful fatigue,feeling ill after food,weird blood test results,immune system turning on ME,like a gulf vet in many ways,most doctors i have seen think i am making this all up,i dont understand!!!. Since NI anyone allowing me into their hearts ,have paid so so heavily for it,i have left a trail of suffering knee high,ruined marriage in the seventies,ruined my first sons life,he wont get better ,like his dad,both my mum and my dad died seeing me a broken and sick man,i seem to constantly punish myself (and my nearest kin),wrecking everything,smashing so many things,no one understands me,they all must think i am mad,I KNOW i am,a serious virus is loose in my head, I so want to die ,yet i cant go and leave my loved ones,they think the world of me ,why when i am so horrible to them???,i dont think i will last very long because of the way i have abbused myself with work,booze,fags,not eating,not sleeping,enough prescription drugs to sink a battle ship,i have been in self destruct mode for so long ,it cant be long now,all i need is care for the poor ones i will leave behind in this horrid world,sh*t world,f*cked up world,evil world,,,ahha,i have just clicked,this is really HELL isnt it,yes, what a donkey i have been for so long,my body survived but not my brain,that puss inside my skull,that is making all this misery,this debt,this suffering. I am sorry but i cant find the words to express my feelings,i hope we all get a brake on the other side,but i dont think i have gained many brownie points to bribe my way through the gates,i might take my infected brain through and cause some more sh*t !!!,oh no,what can we do with this alien inside me?????????????????????????????????????????????????

Date:

28 Jun 2004

Time:

10:14:46

Remote User:

 

Comments

Andy nice one mate great site. I served in Bosnia like you in 1994 i also now sufer from PTSD at the time unsure if i had it! Recieving assistance from Combat stress but will take time im afraid. But all the best and thanks once again.

Date:

29 Jun 2004

Time:

14:51:09

Remote User:

 

Comments

Andy, I've just discovered your site and would like to thank you for providing it. As a former 'squaddie' and member of the RUC between 1967 & 1986 I have 20 years (ish) of 'problems' to overcome. I have suffered from nightmares, flashbacks, drink, anger, frustration (the list goes on) for many years and the medical services just don't seem to understand.(one doctor did, but he moved elsewhere) My latest diagnosis are mild depression (doctor) & low self esteem (physcologist) along with 'take two tablets and come back in a week' It has helped me just reading the comments of other sufferers. [I will contact you personally shortly] Thank you once again AlanB

Date:

05 Jul 2004

Time:

09:20:23

Remote User:

 

Comments

Great site brother. I am a Gulf War and Bosnian Vetreran. I served in the US Army. I was not diagnosed with PTSD till 2000. I had been going to the Veterans Hospital for a couple years trying to tell them I was not right. They basically laughed at me. It took a mental breakdown and being admitted to a mental hospital for them to finally listen. Anyway keep up the good work on this site. Maybe our governments will finally give us the help we need seeing how we gave our all for them.

Date:

27 Jul 2004

Time:

23:57:37

Remote User:

 

Comments

Concratulations on this web site although i don't suffer myself (former member of the RN from Northern Ireland)you have to be recommened for what you are doing. ex forces people need respect for the duties they carried out for years with no thanks yours sincerely Brian Sloan

Date:

12 Aug 2004

Time:

18:25:04

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Comments

The us goverment need to let all veterans know about these thangs when they get out of the military so thangs like want happen any more,send us off too war then forget about us Ive been out of the military therity fore years and they still don,t want to give A ptsd claim plus I was in vietnam my mos was 11b20 light infantary on the front line WALK POINT BEFORE IGOT HURT THANK YOU

Date:

12 Aug 2004

Time:

18:25:05

Remote User:

 

Comments

The us goverment need to let all veterans know about these thangs when they get out of the military so thangs like want happen any more,send us off too war then forget about us Ive been out of the military therity fore years and they still don,t want to give A ptsd claim plus I was in vietnam my mos was 11b20 light infantary on the front line WALK POINT BEFORE IGOT HURT THANK YOU

Date:

12 Aug 2004

Time:

18:40:42

Remote User:

 

Comments

My name is willie I made a comment a few mins ago and I forgot to add my name it was about letting the veterans no about ptsd before they come from the military and I do hope you can use this to share with others so they want have to go through with what Im going through with today and not to be left in the dark so thank agains solong for now like I hope this will help 8/12/2004

Date:

15 Aug 2004

Time:

22:22:43

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Comments

Hello Andy,

I believe you are one of the "lucky ones". Lately I saw a program on Dutch tv about PTSD in the military. There were interviews with three veterans. In Holland the government doesn't do much about PTSD. Until a vet killed his ex-wife and her family in a sudden rage of anger. Now everyone is terrified of veterans and ex-army men. It has even come to the point that one veteran is dragged before court because he shot a bullet in Iraq. The prosecutor has issued an order that shooting in Iraq is illegal. Now the Dutch people are mad with the government and everyone backs him. He has one of the best lawyers in our country.

Thanx

Ronald Eindhoven (eindh010@wxs.nl)

Date:

21 Aug 2004

Time:

21:44:43

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Comments

First of all i would like to apologise and hope that it is ok that i have posted this comment as i am not a servicemen.woman but i totally relate to yuor experiences. I am an addict and have recently been going through pain and emotional agony which i thought was me going insane or not working the twelve step programme properly. I now know that my feelings are normal when facing the trauma of what happened to me. The experiences i have had are not in any way as nightmarish as the ones you describe but my emotional reaction seems very similar. Thank so much for your bravery and i admire you all. Kind regards Keri (kezaaa@yahoo.com)

Date:

03 Sep 2004

Time:

06:46:24

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Comments

Just read the book synopsis everyone is gabbling on about, AMONGST THE MARINES on www.amazon.co.uk I'm gonna read this, it looks differnt.

Date:

05 Sep 2004

Time:

17:28:43

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Comments

Hi everyone only just found web site I was in N.I. early 70´s have had a shit life since. p.t.s.s. was diagnosed 15 years after leaving the army, now i´m 54 had a stroke last year will never work again, I feel angry. Alone and worthless. No-one around me can understand my mood swings and drinking, slept well last night after three bottles of wine. “WE SERVED THEY FORGOT” Boggy

Date:

13 Sep 2004

Time:

11:52:34

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Comments

hi, My mane is Brian . I live in the uk. In 1990; a 28 ton truck fell on me. I have survived but do take many drugs and have many symptoms. The drugs help me some days. There are good days when my mind feels free to amke decisions and work more normally. Peace is a great gift to have. I am still working P/t. The state helps if you can find it e.g. benefits and support. It is a long haul but Iam always trying to find extra help for me and my family. Do not give up no matter how bad your feeling. There has to be help in our world for folk like us. Thanks ,

Twisted thinking site is helping me today.

Thanks , Brian

Email: indoorandoutdoorgardens@emailaccount.com

Date:

15 Sep 2004

Time:

11:52:22

Remote User:

 

Comments

Hi, my husband has just been diagnosed with ptsd your web site has helped me try to understand what he is going through. He left the army in 1997 2 yrs after a tour of Bosnia he never told me what had happened out there until Friday, when he was diagnosed he has never had any help until now. And now he has and i've read through your site everything makes sense, the drinking the way he shows no emotion, hes always restless never wants to stay anywhere too long job or home and not sleeping. hopefully now the doctors will be able to start helping him and we can start to look forward. I would like to thank you for a well put together web page

Date:

15 Sep 2004

Time:

20:55:26

Remote User:

 

Comments

Things have been rough of late but this site has helped me to find other, not so obvious sources of help. Ben

Date:

18 Sep 2004

Time:

11:59:52

Remote User:

 

Comments

The best way to help your husband is too be there and listen, listen, listen. Even when it doesn’t mean sense. Sometimes leaving him alone. Sorry for butting in but I suffered in silence for about eighteen years before anyone paid any attention , I was always told to “ Pull your socks up “ Many a time and all I was needing was for

SOMEONE TO LISTEN

Best regards Boggy.

Date:

29 Sep 2004

Time:

01:41:26

Remote User:

 

Comments

Hi All, I am back again(al the nutter from May),I am wondering if anyone out there has any ideas or info to help me,i live (if thats what you call it)in Conwy N.Wales area,i have been diagnosed (six long years ago) as suffering with ptsd for the last thirty ish years,I had a nervous breakdown about twenty months ago and to date have received very little usefull treatment,on my doorstep is one of the best treatment centres in the country TY-GWYN of Llandudno,the local health board (scum)wont deal with this organisation for reasons beyond me unless it is financial,myself and my families welfare and health are still in decline,which cant go on much longer,is there a group or organisation of any kind that might be able to help me get the treatment i surely deserve,the treatment for ptsd sufferers in this area is pathetic ,and being as i have this evil afliction i am not very able to push for what i surely have earned through my/our imeasurable suffering and devotion to duty,i am now getting so anti-social i wish i could be locked away in solitary confinement somewhere far away,so i can suffer in peace,I wonder sometimes how many of my fellow sufferers are locked up in prisons(makes you wonder i bet),well,i will revisit a couple more times to see if anyone can help,but i can only have this push of mine for a short time every few months ,as my only way of coping is to bury my head back in the sand and try not to remember too much of the torment i endure,I am off as i am starting to write b*ll*cks again,best wishes to all of you, al of 22lt air defence (the Welsh Gunners)retired.

Date:

29 Sep 2004

Time:

11:48:57

Remote User:

 

Comments

Dear Sirs,

Can Anybody Help Me?

I found your address on the web and after reading through your site I was wondering if you could help me with my problem or at least point me in the direction of somebody who can.

I have been a Paramedic for the last 25 years and prior to this, served with the Army for 10 years. I saw active service on a few occasions but predominantly Northern Ireland in 1969 (Belfast) and again 1972/3 (Londonderry). I remained on active reserve after leaving the colours until 1996.

I do not know if I am suffering from PTSD but I do know I need help and my family are begging me to get it. I have tried to obtain help through my Consultant Psychiatrist and my GP but to date, this has been unforthcoming and I am only getting conflicting reports.

I include a list of my symptoms that may help you form a picture of my situation but please do not hesitate to contact me if you need any more information.

Regards, Terry Cudmore.

Sleeping Patterns.

For a considerable time now (years), I have been experiencing great difficulty sleeping. Initially, I would go to bed very tired after working hard all day and went to sleep quite easily. I found though that I was being woken throughout the night usually relating to things that have occurred at work or related to incidents I had attended over a period of time. This situation has become progressively worse over the period, I found firstly that I was having difficulty getting off to sleep regardless of how tired I was when I went to bed and in spite of the fact that sitting in the chair down stairs, I was having a job to keep my eyes open. I would lay awake for hours either reading to take my mind off things or just tossing and turning and contemplating the events of the day. This situation continued for a time until it became so bad that my wife had to leave the room we had shared all our married life and move into the spare bed room where she has continued to remain for the past five or so years. Things continued to deteriorate to the stage where I was hardly sleeping at all. In 2003/04, I was prescribed Zopiclone 7.5 mg by one of the Consultant Psychiatrists who has been dealing with my case. Initially, this helped a little but because I can only take them for three days and then have to stop for about a week, I find that I am now not sleeping for the week without the tablets and when I take them they knock me out but the sleep I get seems to be un-refreshing in some way, I wake just as tired as if I had not slept at all.

(2).

Dietary and Medical Problems.

For a considerable number of years, I suffered from severe stomach pains; my GP at that time diagnosed this as Mild Irritable Bowel Syndrome that he said was probably work related due to the stress of the job. He prescribed a white powder (I cant remember its name), which did no good at all. I struggled on with the problem for some years but it continued to get worse and I eventually collapsed at home with the pain. My then new GP (we had just moved house) was called by the Ambulance crew that attended because I refused to go to Hospital. Seeing the scar on my stomach, which was the result of having my spleen removed while serving in the Army, he thought he knew what the problem was, he was wrong. Tests proved that I was suffering from Severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I was prescribed Omeprazole 20mg, which helped to relieve the problem a little though I still have to take them on a regular basis. I continue to suffer from a multitude of muscular pains the most recent of which resulted in frozen shoulders in addition, I suffer from severe headaches which last sometimes as long as three days and which headache pills have little to no effect on. In about 2001/02, I started to experience tingling pains in my extremities, face and arms. To me these resembled the symptoms of a Trans-Ischaemic Attack or minor Cardio-Vascular Attack, they were at times quite debilitating though only for a brief time but I felt, because of the circumstances at work, I could not inform my superiors of them. I did consult one of the Doctors at the hospital who told me it was due to Postural Hypertension though I do not consider this to be accurate as the circumstances did not tie in with the symptoms.

My appetite for food is almost non-existent, no matter how hungry I am, when I sit down to eat I just seem to feel nauseated by the food and can not eat more than a mouthful. This I think has had a direct effect on my weight. Since I was about eleven years of age, my weight had been a constant twelve stone I now fluctuate drastically. I have dropped to as little as eight stone and recently have lost two stone in two months. One of the Consultant Psychiatrists prescribed Mirtazaine 30mg as he said it would aid my eating problem and, for a while it did. I managed to get my weight back up to eleven stone but now it would seem they do not work anymore. As stated, I have dropped back to nine stone in two months and am again unable to eat.

Behavioural Patterns.

This is quite difficult for me as it seems to have happened progressively and in stages over a considerable number of years, neither my wife or I had realised it was happening until recently and after discussing my case with various qualified people. Since about 1997/98, I have become morose, irritable, un-caring and lethargic. Apparently, I would get home from work and would just sit in the chair not talking to anybody, not wanting to talk to anybody. If anybody tried to talk to me I would just get up and walk out of the room and shut myself away from every body. I gradually became more and more irritable with those around me and lost all interest in my appearance or work that needed (3).

doing around the property or anything job related. More recently, I find I am unable to drive my car and get panicky if anyone suggests we go out of the house. I find myself unable to answer the telephone and when it rings I seem to be startled by it all the time. I suffer from panic attacks for no discernable reason, my heart seems to beat faster and I feel as though I am unable to breath. Over a period of time, we seem to have lost all our friends as a result of my attitude towards them. My work effectiveness seemed to deteriorate due to my lack of concentration and seeming loss of memory, at times I was turning up for work when I should not have been there and forgetting to go home when work was over until somebody told me it was time to go. I would also lock myself away and find myself crying my eyes out for no apparent reason.

In July 2003, following yet another serious incident at work which I was involved in and was probably to blame for, I finally had a total mental breakdown and, after unsuccessfully trying to take my own life, was admitted to a mental institution suffering apparently, from moderate to severe depression. In total over a year, I have spent about five months in hospital being treated for depression. My initial Consultant Psychiatrist (with whom I have had serious problems) prescribed me Seroxat 45mg, which are suppressing my symptoms but are causing me to have marital problems. Between January and March this year, I was again admitted to hospital because of my suicidal intent however, because there were no beds in the hospital I should have been admitted to, I was sent into a private hospital. Whilst in this hospital I had a further breakdown through recollections of events, this during the daytime while awake which has never happened before. The Consultant in this hospital spent a lot of time with me going over my case as did his therapist (the only therapy I have had) and both agreed that I could possibly be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. My regular Consultant refuses to accept this and I am unable to get a referral to speak to anybody who knows about it, in fact I have been told there is no facility for it in this area which I now know to be untrue.

My situation now is that my condition is continuing to deteriorate and, apart from the medication, I have no support or backup from the Mental Health Team or therapy of any kind.

Date:

30 Sep 2004

Time:

23:54:01

Remote User:

 

Comments

i am no expert in regards medical conditions,but as someone who attends combat stress it sounds about right for being in the forces etc

the advice i would give is first of all is to ask for someone to visit from the royal british legion for a chat they are good at what they do

it could be that they might be able to suggest somewere like combat stress,i have found these very good

http://www.combatstress.org.uk/home/default.asp

i hope this might help

just by writing you have made one step already,lets now see you take another one

the good thing is there are people there who do understand and people who have been in the same situation as you,so you would be understood

Date:

01 Oct 2004

Time:

13:18:32

Remote User:

 

Comments

in regards the last two post i have had great help from the royal british legion and combat stress

this might be a good point for both of you with nothing to lose and perhaps all to gain

Top

Definition

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a natural emotional reaction to a deeply shocking and disturbing experience. It is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.